im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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