I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
