so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
