i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
