Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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