Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
