I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
3pm strippers are depressing
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
