dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
