peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
