Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I don't deserve a penis
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
