is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
