She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
