On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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