Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I didn't notice because vodka
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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