We named our party play list daddy issues
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
