Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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