The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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