just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
His hands were made for my vagina.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
