My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
