I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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