I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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