dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I don't deserve a penis
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
