the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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