I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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