If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
