i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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