was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
