No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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