I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
