Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
