She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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