So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
