omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
