She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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