paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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