$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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