Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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