I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
