My room smells like vodka and shame
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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