Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
