A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
