if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
