my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
