Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I will be naked everywhere
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
