...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
