So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
