sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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