no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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