Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
God I need to hump something, right now.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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