i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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