My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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