where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My vagina is very pro this idea
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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